Conquering Complacency

April 1, 2011 at 12:47 AM (Life Lessons)

Growing up, especially in the Midwest, teaches you to be happy with what you have; to be thankful for just having a job, etc.  You receive this life plan from your family: Go to school, go to college, get a job, fall in love, get married and have children- all in that order.   I initially wanted to go to college to be a vet tech, but with working full time and trying to study biology didn’t go very well.  I love animals, but the classes were too much for me and to make the long story short, I was convinced to go back to college to get an Associate Degree in Business Management.  I thought I was choosing the right path.  I thought that “Hey, I will get a degree then get a high paying job!”  That was never the case.

I became an Administrative Assistant.  After working at Pepsi for a few years, I had an epiphany that working in an office wasn’t for me.  I was never happy and frankly, I got pissed off very often.  Even when I had this epiphany, I continue to work in an office because I have 11 years experience and it’s all I can get.  I am working at a dead end job now, only making $10 per hour with no benefits at all.  I have gotten complacent AGAIN.

In the past 2 years I have realized I need a job where I can be creative and do something that I love.  I tend to get bored very easily and all of this leads to disinterest to do things I love to do like: finish my novel, write poetry & short stories, do interviews and draw.  I have all of these other plans, but do I do them?  No. My days are long and boring and I also have to deal with idiotic, nasty people at work.  By the time I get home at 6 pm, I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t really know how to put this into words, so I will try.  I know we are always told to keep your work life and personal life separate, but that is complete and utter bullshit.  We are human, we have feelings and thoughts.  Of course our work lives effect our personal lives.  I feel bland at work, so therefore when I get home I feel bland and have no inspiration.  I seemed to have lost it in the last 4-5 months.

I got up this morning after dragging myself out of bed because I didn’t want to go to work.  I don’t want to look at my nasty, smelly coworker anymore.  I don’t want to do the same thing for 8-9 hours a day.  I don’t want to fight my coworker with the radio.  (She turns it off and I need music to make it through the day)  I also don’t want to hear her burp all day, keep seeing her underwear as she bends over in chair and look at her stretch pants.  I know this sounds mean, but I really can’t take it anymore.  I also can’t take the favoritism  in the office and give rewards for bad behavior.  This bitter taste all stems from the stagnant existence that is my work life. I get unhappy and everything else seems to annoy me at a quantum level.  As I was driving to work, I realized this:  I am destined to do great things.  No, I don’t have to put up with this bullshit, no matter what my family says.  No, I don’t want to be grateful I have a job; quite frankly, I was happier unemployed.  No my dear family, having coworkers like this does not have to be “the way it is”.  No no no no no! I need to do what is right for me!  Then, I decided that I need to work with animals and/or people and be creative.  I need to find a job that suits my needs, pays well and gives me benefits.  I need more money to get out of debt (another thing that depresses me and how can I get out of debt only making $10 per hour?)  I don’t deserve just to scrimp by.  I want to live comfortably and then be able to own the bookstore I have always wanted.

Working with animals would be ideal for me because I love them so much.  They bring me such joy and inspiration!  I would wake up every morning eager to get to work!  Also, the same for people, in some kind of setting to where I can help.  I want to be a part of some greater good.  I want to feel that I have made a difference to someone!  I started looking for new jobs and unfortunately, the only ones available that I am qualified for is in the office setting.  The big questions for myself are:  ”

Do I continue to look for office jobs with more money until I can finally find the job I truly want?

Would it be better for me at the moment to find a better paying job that is in an office setting just to get out of the one now until I find the job I want?

Will someone ever give me a chance to really prove myself that I am the best with animals and people?

Will the universe give me the opportunity I desire?

I know my novel will get done and somehow I know it will get published, it’s just me that is standing in the way right now.  I know how I am and who I am and I shouldn’t let anyone or anything stand it my way, but yet I do.  I need to break through these walls that are holding me back.  Now I know that going to school, going to college, getting a job, falling in love, getting married and having children- all in that order doesn’t have to be in that order or for anyone  or me for that matter.  My life is my life and I should be able to do it in any order I want.  I know now that just having  just “a job”  isn’t something I need to strive for.  I need to strive for my perfect way of making a living that makes me happy.   I do see myself owning that bookstore down the road and I do see myself being a novelist. But, right now, those dreams seem to be on hold until I can get out from under all of this oppressing burden that holds down my  creative brilliance.  I also want to state that to spite everything else, my love life is great.  My soulmate Carl understands me, knows what I’ve been going through and knows what I am capable of.

Today, I found a 10 dollar bill on the ground.  Hopefully this is a precursor of luck for me.  Perhaps the universe is sending me a message that everything will fall into place soon.  This too soon shall pass.

Here is a song that I can relate to at this time that helps me get through:


Permalink 3 Comments

My Passion Has Returned-Ignite My Flames

August 18, 2009 at 10:10 PM (Life Lessons, Uncategorized)


Ever since I could remember, I loved to read.  I started reading at a very young age and big books at that.  In school, there was this program called “Book-It” which was a reading incentive program.  I always exceeded my reading goal and was awarded with a free pizza from Pizza Hut.

When I was in the 4th grade, I had a teacher, Mrs. Dues, who was a big inspiration for me.  She encouraged my talents and from that, I began to write and draw.  I won awards with my writing and was very proud of my accomplishments.  I was always writing; penning every aspiration, imagination and experiences.  I excelled in English and Writing classes and couldn’t get enough.  I even took 4 years of college prep English in high school and received straight A’s.

I am sorry to admit that after I graduated and moved to Columbus, I slowly got out of my writing; it seemed like I lost the passion.  See, my 20’s were a very hard time for me.  I lost my direction.  I eventually  received an Associates Degree in Business Management because I felt I needed “something”.  Tired of working in retail, I got the opportunity to work in an office.  Then, after a few years of experience, I became an Administrative Assistant.  I seriously thought that is what I wanted to do.  I got really good at what I did; I am a fast learner who can excel at any thing I put my mind to.  But, after awhile, I noticed a few things weren’t right.

I found myself struggling with the fact that people wanted me to be who I am not.  I really started finding myself in my 20’s; learning who I really was.  My personality wasn’t meshing well in the office setting.  I now realize that the universe was telling me something.  Time and time again, I was pushed against the wall and was left defending myself all of the time. My final days at Pepsi were bad, but yet a blessing for me.  I knew my 5 years there was at an end.  When my last day came, I smiled because it was the end of me being unhappy and not myself.  Then, I received another administrative job and, yes, it worked for awhile, but I was not satisfied.  It was then when I started to write again.  I decided I wanted to open a book store someday (still do) because I know a lot about books and am still an avid reader, then my focus shifted to my writing.  Yes, I have written things here and there, but not with passion.

After the Collective Soul concert, I was inspired.  I decided to write again.  I can’t explain why or how Collective Soul inspired me, I just know.  Like I said before, “Shine” is a main song of my life and I decided to write: Music is the Soundtrack to My Life surrounded by that very song.  From that point on, I didn’t stop.  I felt comfortable.  I found out that my words inspire others.  That is what I want.  I realized my talent is still there.

My last job didn’t work out as I knew it wouldn’t.  Being an AA is not what I am meant to do.  I am unemployed right now for a reason.  It gives me time to write and relect on where I want to go and what I really want to do.  This is my calling – my destiny.

I want to continue to interview people, write about my experiences, write about other things I am passionate about, and you know what?  I can be me.

Thank you to all of those who support and believe in me.  You have no idea how much it means to me.  I cry with happiness.


Permalink 2 Comments

Another Bump in the Road

July 28, 2009 at 10:19 PM (Life Lessons)

I am unemployed again…

I am very preceptive and for a month I noticed changes in the office where I was working. I can’t explain the feeling even if I tried. I also kept on getting the runaround about what I was going to be doing at the new place.

See, I was hired under the impression that I would work for the current company but I would move over to the new company once it opened. There were only 2 of us employees then and it was exciting to learn about opening up a new business. At that point, I was helping a lot; doing great work and feeling appreciated. But when new people were being hired on it seemed as if the dynamics have shifted and I was stuck in a proverbial hole. I was not included in meetings anymore, not asked for any input and my work load became nonexistent. I kept on inquiring about what I was going to be doing and no one would give me a straight answer. Also, the current company laid off almost all of their workers. I had a stronger feeling of discontentment and went to the owner (my boss) to get a straight answer. He basically told me that the current company laid off pretty much everyone, he didn’t need my skills and also I make too much for the new place. He allowed me to look for another job while I was there, but said he didn’t make up his mind yet and would let me know. He did not give me a time frame, so I assumed I had a little while. Well, that little while was a week.

I was laid off today. It was cordial and I didn’t get upset. He was very generous and inquired about my plans. He is going to try to help me find a job at a certain place.

For the past week I’ve been sending my resume out everywhere hoping to get a bite. Tonight, I filed for unemployment.

The road I’ve been on has been rough. This is the second job I have lost this year. I have made it through before and I know I can make it through this. I see the light at the end, but at this very moment, it seems dark.

Permalink 3 Comments


July 26, 2009 at 3:27 PM (Life Lessons, Music, Concerts)


When I was in  Elementary School I decided to play in the band. For some reason,I chose the clarinet, but I really think it chose me. My friends were in the band with me, but they were not really into it like I was. I found I had a gift. I can remember touching the keys and clicking my tongue on the reed trying to get the notes precise. I found that I had a tremendous talent at playing. I practiced all of the time and my parents didn’t seem to mind all of the squeaks trying to hit those high notes. Over time, I was able to play beautifully. In Junior High I was 1st clarinet, 1st chair. Our band director picked the most incredible songs to play. I remember loving to play The Jurassic Park Theme and “Live & Let Die”. The instructor would give me solos to play and encouraged me to compete. I did, and I won awards. We used to march down the street during parades and during Halloween. My instructor asked me to play in the jazz band besides the regular band. I enjoyed, but was yet nervous playing in front of people, but our recitals were always fun. Jazz Band was my favorite; it gave me new experience and broadened my horizons. I felt accomplished in my abilities and proud of what I could do. My Freshman year in High School I was 1st clarinet right behind the seniors. I could have joined the Symphonic Band, but sadly, I had to move.
I joined the band at the new school and was 1st clarinet, 2nd chair behind a senior. Of course, he had to do that because she was the only senior playing a clarinet. He was astounded by my abilities. I thrived in that environment, but not as much back in Celina. Time came where I had to get a job and I had a boyfriend, and my dedication to playing the clarinet took a back seat. I just wasn’t interested anymore. To tell you the truth, I hated to march at that school. The Pep Rallies were fun, but something was missing. I just lost interest. I moved back, but didn’t join the band. I couldn’t. My little brother took it upon himself and ruined my precious clarinet. He didn’t know any better. I haven’t played since.
I keep on thinking about playing, it doesn’t escape my mind. I had such vast dreams about playing for an Orchestra someday and I am saddened that I have never done that. Once I get a job, or maybe even as a gift from someone, I am getting a clarinet and starting over again. I hope I can be the best at it again. Will it be like riding a bike? Will it give me peace again? Will I remember how to play and read music and hit those hard high notes again? I hope so.

*Originally written March 29th, 2009

Permalink 1 Comment

Take Time & Look All Around You

July 25, 2009 at 11:20 PM (Life Lessons)


We all get busy in our lives and forget to stop and look all around us. The universe sends us messages all of the time, but most of us fail to look. There is beauty and love in everything. We all need affirmination in our lifes and we all need to create our own to say every day like a mantra.

I was at the park yesterday. I felt a single rain drop on my shoulder, and the dandelion snow dancing with me in circles as I walked.

Look all around you everywhere you go. Talk to a stranger, they may have wisdom for you. Be kind to others even if they hurt you. Send them a message even though you still hurt. Know that the people that come and go out of our lives are there for a reason. Forgive when you can even though you can’t forget. Fall in love openly even though you may get hurt. And if you do get hurt, know that there is someone out there that will be worth all the pain you went through; just be patient. (I know he is out there for me and I know I will meet him soon)

Give to those in need. Share your life with others. Give advice even though they won’t take it at that minute. And always trust your gut; it will never fail you. Be kind to animals; they are truely God’s gift. Smile at a child and love as children love.

Everything happens for a reason.

*Originally written May 24th, 2009

Permalink Leave a Comment