August 14, 2011 at 7:29 PM (Uncategorized)

We all have secrets.  Some are embarrassing, some are perhaps criminal and some are dismal.  Sometimes you can keep those secrets hidden and perhaps share it with someone you trust; those select few in your life.  But, the secrets that you keep can eat you alive.  I’ve kept a secret for maybe twenty-four years.

I have only told a few people about this secret and now I am telling anyone who reads this. I am not posting this on Facebook due to the fact that most of my family members are on there.

When I was in my twenties, (don’t remember exactly the age) I started to remember some things when I was a little girl.  I don’t remember exactly what age nor how long it happened. There was a family member that used to baby sit me a lot. There were a lot of family members that baby sat me, so hopefully no one can figure this out.  This family member paid extra attention to me; always played with my hair, etc.  No one thought it was out of the ordinary.  Now, I only remember a couple of instances; but I believe I was molested or worse by this family member.  The one time I mostly remember is staying the night at my Grandparents’ house.  I was sleeping downstairs on the fold out couch.  Next, the family member came down in their underwear and laid right next to me.  The next thing I remember is crying, calling home hysterical and asked my parents to come get me.  Another instance I was at home sitting in the recliner and my dad was asleep.  This family member came out of the bathroom, saw that my dad was sleeping and motioned me to come in there with them.  I kept on shaking my head no, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I did go in there. Thankfully my young mind blocked out the bad things that possibly happened.

As I have gotten older, I started to piece more things together.  How I am uncomfortable around this family member and how sexualized I was at a very young age. For example, I would have my barbie and ken have sex with each other, I would find porno magazines and get excited by looking at them and the same for movies and play touch with the neighbor kid.  I just seemed to know more about sex that the normal little child.  I really don’t know when the supposed sexual abuse started and stopped.  I sometimes think that it was all imaginary since I can’t remember the actual abuse, but deep in my heart I know it happened.  I think it has always affected me in some sort of way.  I have a hard time having orgasms and maybe once I had one during sex.  I have a hard time trusting men and I used to think I should be treated like crap.  I was in a emotionally abusive relationship for awhile and after that I felt I didn’t deserve a good man.  I eventually stopped talking to family members about my relationship problems because they would be so judgmental and hard on me.  I eventually shut down emotionally and kept everyone at an arms length and perhaps now I still do in some way a little bit.

I am not going to blame the abuse on everything that has gone wrong in my life emotionally; although I tend to have depression issues.  I guess what bothers me is that no one truly understands me or my mind.  I keep a lot of things hidden.  I still have a hard time communicating my feelings even with my boyfriend, the love of my life.  I take things really hard, but try not to show it.  I am a very sensitive person and again, I try not to show it.  I have self-esteem issues, as I don’t feel good about myself most days.

Maybe it’s easier for strangers to read this and perhaps someone will understand what I have been through.  I strongly believe what happens to us as children does affect us for the rest of our lives in some way or another.  It saddens me to know that millions of children are abused every single day and I feel their pain in some way.  A friend of mine asked me if I would want to be hypnotized to remember everything that has happened and I told her no because my mind blocked it out for a reason.  What good would it do to remember it all?  I don’t think I would be able to handle it.

I wish it didn’t happen, but it did and again I am not sure exactly what.  I hope this family member is ashamed in some way for what they did and I pray that they didn’t do it to anyone else.  I guess I am afraid to ask my cousins and such because I don’t want them to know what happened to me and perhaps I don’t want to shame the family.

Well, this is my big secret and perhaps a little weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.


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