Digging Deep Into Me

September 16, 2009 at 12:39 AM (Uncategorized)

I’ve never had much luck dating, nor luck in relationships.  It seems that I usually find myself with someone who either doesn’t want a relationship, just wants to be “friends” or tends to forget I’m alive. I have beaten myself up about it many times often wondering if there is something wrong with me.  I tend to think I’m a great catch; loving, committed, laid-back, honest, etc etc. I usually mull over what happened and always come to the conclusion that I tend to pick the wrong type of guy for myself and swear I’ll never do it again. Dates don’t come that often for me and it seems I spend a lot of time alone.  (I do go out with friends and such and I’m not talking about that type of alone)  I also think that I cut myself short and “take what I can get” because I feel that I can’t do any better in that certain point of time.  Of course, it’s fun for a while, but it wears off.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I’ve figured out why I keep gravitating and attracting these situations and guys.  I think subconsciously it’s what I want; nothing serious.  I’m independent- I like to do what I want when I want and I don’t like to answer to someone.  I have a hard time trusting due to past events and I put up this wall and try not to let anyone in. I put this guard up because I think it won’t work out anyway so when “whatever it is” ends, I won’t be hurt badly. Do I want to be this way?  No. Do I want to feel this way? No.  I so desperately want to love and be loved.  It’s a conundrum. I freak out when a guy does something nice for me; I don’t know how to act. I shrink away because I wonder what he wants from me- does he have an agenda?  Does he just want to get into my pants? I’m not used to guys treating me nice and want to do things for me out of the kindness of their hearts.  I know that I have to let my guard down, but it’s so hard to do.  I wonder how I will overcome this… Will it be by someone who comes along who is finally right for me?  Someone who will love me for me and see me for what I really am? Someone who will want to get to know me and ask me questions?  Hold my hand?  Actually look into my eyes with admiration?  I don’t know.  No man has ever “truly” known me or has wanted to.  My words seemed to have meant nothing.  It’s hard to retrain yourself from the past; it’s hard sometimes to let go of what has happened.

Well, when that right guy for me comes along, he will have found his muse, his partner, supporter, mentor, lover, his cheerleader and a million other things that comes along with me.  Until then, I guess I will just keep working on myself to make me better and continue on the journey of self-love, determination and patience.


1 Comment

  1. Carey said,

    OMG! I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way! Someday the right person will come along for the both of us!

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